What’s the Worst/Dumbest Comment Anyone’s Ever Left You?
Warning: Because this post contains comments from Internet users, it contains some thinly veiled profanity and should not be read by anyone.
Not long ago, I wrote a post on this blog that got a lot of attention and quite a few comments, many of which were insightful even though they displayed a different point of view.
I also got a deluge of charming notes letting me know what a spectacular moron I was. When I say “deluge,” I mean I got at least one comment (or email!) every few minutes for three days. That’s a lot of negative backlash for one person to have to process, and most of it didn’t contain the most, shall we say, polite or reasonable sentiments.
Of course, we already know that people are stupid, haters gonna hate, they don’t pay your bills, and it doesn’t matter. But still. Come on, dude. A girl can only take so much haterade.
At some point during almost every day for the past several years, I’ve had to wade through the written sewage of the Internet in all its misspelled, badly punctuated, hilariously wrong and horrifyingly offensive glory. Here are a few gems from the posts I’ve written and the posts of my friends; I invite you to leave yours (without naming any names, of course) in the comments section.
Disclaimer: None of the comments below come from Mashable.
Let the catharsis begin.
1. …Of a Thousand Men
Back in the day, every woman on the Internet was a prostitute.
This may not seem likely to us now, but allow me to illustrate with Monty Python witch-burning logic how this is true:
What do prostitutes do? They do things at night in exchange for money. What do women bloggers who blog at night do? They do things at night in exchange for money. OMG! WOMEN BLOGGERS ARE ALL PROSTITUTES!
So naturally, when a woman wrote a blog post one did not agree with, one could simply dismiss the opinions expressed therein by branding them the ill-conceived ramblings of a diseased whore.
I’ve received many such comments in my time online, but my all-time favorites were 1) the comment that ennumerated the Google Search results for the phrase “Jolie O’Dell is a slut” (you gotta love the reach for real data!) and 2) the gorgeously poetic if incorrectly spelled comment,
Jolie odell has sucked the c*cks of a thousand men.
What grandeur in that turn of phrase! According to this guy, I’m practically the Laurence of Arabia of c*ck! And all I had to do was write a blog post about the Internet. Who knew?
2. Hipster Skank
If you’re a woman who blogs about Apple, you’re not just a whore; you’re a HIPSTER whore.
Via the amazingly smart Christina Warren:
Girl’s got a killer sense of humor. She even made a tribute site about it.
3. More Simple
Back before building web apps for a living boiled his poor little brain in genius juice, the bf used to blog a lot. He’d write huge, long, dense posts, drawing on his study of microeconomics, finance, mathematical models of consumerism and more and applying those principles to social media, virality, web design and, you know, stuff.
After one particular post (of 3,651 words, no less), in which Eston explored American pluralism and “the ruthless assimilation of a subcultural aesthetic,” he got a comment that pretty much epitomizes the “too long; didn’t read” mindset. The comment read, simply,
could you just make it more simple?
It’s like going to a Michelin-starred restaurant and ordering Spaghettios. Or dating Marilyn Monroe and looking at Doris Day porn. Or owning a brand new BMW 7 series and test driving a ’75 Nash Gremlin. The analogies abound, but this guy’s capacity for critical thinking does not.
4. Sucking C*ck for Women’s Equality
The lovely and talented artist Molly Crabapple once organized a burlesque event to benefit Planned Parenthood. I’m sure she got quite a few special emails about that, but she particularly recalls one missive suggesting she “suck a d*ck for feminism.”
Sucking c*ck for women’s equality pays a lot better and if you’re going to be whore for something you might as well make it as profitable as possible. Your art in print or tits in pasties ain’t worth sh*t next to the price of renting your mouth out for some hard d*ck facef*cking and you know it, so do your feminist duty and open wide for your sisters.
Yikes. I don’t know what’s scarier: The violent profanity or the tenuous logic. And as you can see, this whole women-on-the-Internet-are-whores thing has really stuck around for a while.
5. The Old Fafebook
You know, you try to have faith that all the people out there on the Internet are just like you: Intelligent, discerning, having opposable thumbs. Then someone, somewhere moves a rock, and people themselves emerge to prove you wrong.
One day, through some accidental SEO magic and some really spectacular displays of human stupidity, ReadWriteWeb’s Facebook Connect commenting feature became a source of agony and delight for thousands. I think the comment thread on the above-linked post got well over 100,000 pageviews. Basically, “confused” users somehow thought the red-and-white tech blog was Facebook. There was NOTHING we could do to convince these people that ReadWriteWeb was not Facebook. And they were enraged.
The staff favorite stands as follows:
I WANT THE OLD FAFEBOOK BACK THIS SHIT IS WACK!!!!!
We couldn’t agree with you more, dear.
You Know You Wanna Share
Without naming any names, you should definitely let us know what your favorite bad comments are, from trollism to hurr-ism and beyond.